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With apologies to those who speak Spanish...
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A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.         
       
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

Love them both I was chuckling loudly keep 'em coming!!

Dental Humour

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT! A ONE-LINERS TO MAKE YOU SMILE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!   
Life is too short and friends are too few! Have a Great Day!

we have an election next week in the UK so this is pertinent
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '

' No problem, just let me in, ' says the man.

' Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '

' Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

' I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it's time  to visit heaven. '

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

' Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. '

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.

 

course I know none of our wonderful upright honest MP's would ever recognise this

John

I'm being naughty here  and passing social /political comment . There was a sardonic poem by another poetess that I thought needed re-addressing. It was by Pam Ayes about another politician wide boy. I'm not that in any way politically aligned at the moment......  they're all swines and I'm being very sarcastic here...

Cameron! My Cameron

I ‘m in love with you my David you are perfectly my type
I’ve seen you in your pinny and was sucked in by the hype
I love a man who washes up and ain’t afraid to cook
Even though he flaunts the best school tie and chooses Eton bucks

I’ve heard your direct ancestor is William The Fourth
And that stocks and shares and finances are all par for your course
Even though your lot is known to knock around with well bred rich
I am sure you’d be at home in Bolton, Swansea or Shoreditch

Anne Widdecomb! How dare she cast aspersions on your choice
To reject those weaker females who are clamouring for voice
What’s wrong with having old school pals as cabinet/ front bench
She isn’t well bred like you are - she’s a fat and ugly wench.

And all that stuff about you smoking dope and snorting coke
Are just the efforts of the press to play a little joke.
You paid the price at Eton and were given ‘Georgie’ lines
How your poor hand must have suffered as you thought about those fines…..

Your favourite club at Oxford sounded all Hoorah and Hoots
As you booked the rooms in restaurants and turned up in your suits
It matters not you trashed the place and snorted lots of chisel
It’s your privilege to do such things – you were not made to snivel…

So when you lead your greatest team and offer me a vote
I’ll be first in line and ready with my cross and little note -
For Cameron, my only choice and leader of true blues
My way is clear, my heart is set - there’s no one else to choose….................................................



Pat

I didn't realise that Clive was so biased!!! "lock him up in the loo" poor  fellow he's entitled to vote but tell him there's no cake no washing no ironing nocleaning and No to anything else unless he's prepared to vote for your choice!!!!!!!!?