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The Donor...


The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."


Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.


"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."


"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.


"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."


"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.


"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."


"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.


"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."


"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.


"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."


"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.


"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.


"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.


"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.


"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.


"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."


"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.


"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."


"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.


"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."


"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.


"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."


"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

I Hope this is OK !!!! I Love it !!!!!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the Wife
Asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see
if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us,
get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the
@~&% out of him died at the scene.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
 or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
 himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
 strip club.

 The doorman at the club greets them and says,
 "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
 "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
 Budweiser."

 "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."

 A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
 Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
 club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
 "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and sex.

Hope you like this one!!!

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the

recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill

herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out

Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the

heart

since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the

vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her

doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart

would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below

your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the

hospital

with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottwieler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'..................................>>
>
>
>
>
>
>

and before he could say "fcuk," . the Rottweiler ate him!"

"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney. "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right. She's MY woman and she's supposed
to do what I say."

 "Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said. "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."

 "Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."